Day 22: Darby

Distance: 17 avg: 8.9

The following entry is a bit more graphic than most. I don’t attempt to hold anything back. I don’t want to lose the accuracy and emotion of the situation because of etiquette. Welcome to a new level of knowing me. But if you can get past the grossness, I hope you get a laugh.

I scared some deer away from the side of an old unused dirt road and made camp. I went to sleep but woke up to nature’s call. This was a ‘bad’ call, one that I had to answer. I had no toilet paper. I tried to think of what I could use and decided to use some plastic bags. So in the dark Montana night I went out to do my business. It was a bizarre sensation, kind of like taking a pooh in a sensory depravation tank.

In the morning I had another ‘urge’. I used the last of my bags. I broke camp and got on the road, hoping to get to a town before another wave hit me. I could probably pull over and do my business on the side of the road. This area was lightly populated, and wide open. Hopefully no school bus would drive by.

I started feeling it coming on. I had goose bumps. I broke out in a cold sweat. I had to find a spot, fast. A likely candidate showed up: Family Campground. That was the name of it. There had to be a bathroom, maybe even some pepto.

I pull in, ready to lose it. I’m walking a double pace. The store’s closed, noone’s around. The bathrooms have a combination lock on them. I walk frantically searching for signs of life. I can’t hold it in any longer. I figure if I start running I can keep from making a scene. I spot a guy smoking in front of his trailer. I make a beeline for him.

‘hey man, you wouldn’t happen to know the combo for the bathroom would you?’
‘I don’t, because I have my own toilet.’
‘well, I hate to bother you, but this is an emergency. Can I use your bathroom?’
(thinks a bit)
‘ok.’
(he goes inside and does something)
‘go on in.’

I walk into the most disgusting trailer in the world. There is no furniture. Trash and undiscernible items lay in dimly lit piles. The bathtub is full of black, grimy auto parts and a Keystone Light 24-pack. His bed is the lower bunk covered in used food wrappers and a greasy blanket. The toilet is near the back, there is no ‘bathroom’. Nothing had been cleaned for years.

I was operating in a kind of altered state up to this point. I did my business and it had a sobering effect. Nothing is more satisfying when you have to go. I realized the toilet I was using was par for the room. I flushed. It didn’t work. I tried again. Nothing. I hade done a monster in this guys toilet and it wouldn’t go down.

‘hey, how do I get your toilet to work?’
‘I have to fill the top with water to get it to flush.’

Ah man. I was already uncomfortable as it was. I figured it was his toilet, he could get it working. We chatted a bit. He offered me some aspirin. I told him what I really needed was pepto. I thanked him profusely and walked slowly back to my bike. He didn’t seem to blink at what I’d done to his toilet.

I rode in to the next town Darby and promptly bought pepto and baby wipes. Just in case. I found a couple Tucson snowbirds who rented these little cabins. I checked in and collapsed to a three hour coma.